Gordon Brown,

Prime Minister,

England.

Dear Gordon,

Being busy with rogue bankers, a recession, a miserable winter and a picky opposition after your job, you probably haven’t noticed what’s going on in New Zealand. But take a few minutes to read this letter and I assure you, you’ll not only be grinning from ear to ear,  you’ll scare the hell out of your Chancellor of the Exchequer when you rush out and hug him. 

First, Google New Zealand. Bring up indigenous plants, haka, and Maori language, all under intellectual property rights. To be candid, I find the subject boring. I’m not concerned about the intellectual, moral or legal aspects of this subject. My interest is in the dosh I can make out of it.  Are you with me?  I’m sure that canny brain of yours has already fastened on the word ‘language.’ Exactly!

You’ll notice that New Zealand is in the forefront of international fervour in this area. All you have to do is take a scoop of New Zealand’s research, expand on it, and you’ve got it made.

Think about it: USA, Canada, India, Australia, New Zealand, and goodness knows how  many other countries, have been using the English language for hundreds of years and haven’t paid a cent for intellectual property rights - yet.

A little closer to home, and I realise this could create a delicate situation between yourself  and your dear mother in Aberdeen, but the jocks have been using English for 300 years and haven’t coughed up as much as the smell of a haggis. And while you’re at it, don’t  forget Wales and Ireland. Fair’s fair. You don’t hear the English speaking Welsh or Gaelic, eh?

So there you have it, Gordon. This could be the answer to England’s financial problems and, of course, to your political future. Just remember where the idea came from. I’ve registered it with the Intellectual Property Department so don’t try and pull a fast one. Send the cash to my Cayman Island account. But, it you don’t, mind I’d rather you didn’t let on to the New Zealand media about me. You know how it is, a prophet in his own land and all that. But just to show goodwill I’ll throw in another good idea as a freebie.

You probably didn’t know that a Californian football team does a haka before each game. Everyone’s doing it. I put it down to international television coverage of the Rugby World Cup. Now, I’m not saying Morris dancing would generate the same enthusiasm but it’s worth a try. If it takes off you could charge for it. Get Martin Johnson and the lads to give it a go at the next World Cup. On second thoughts, Martin himself could be a bit resistant. Still, I’m sure he’d be glad to help the lads tie on the bells and handkerchiefs around their legs.

And if the money side doesn’t work out there’s always a chance of an England New Zealand final. Not that Morris dancing has much of an intimidation factor but it could stun the All Blacks just long enough to get a quick try in the corner. 

Goodbye and good luck, Gordon.

Yours sincerely.

Chris Horan