Saw someone suspicious on my morning walk today. I mean, who wears a red towel wrapped around their head for goodness sake – nobody I know. Had a woman with him and she laughs just that little bit too much. Sure sign something’s up. She might be one of his harem. Could be his sex slave – could be his hostage! So I did the only decent thing – called 111.
“I want to report a suspicious person” I told the operator. “A man”.
“What was so suspicious?”
“He’s out on the street wearing a towel around his head…”
“You mean a turban?”
“Whatever. Those things terrorists wear and… ”
“Yes thank you, I’m just putting you through to Ethnic Helpline. We deal with criminals.”
“But this is criminal. Nobody I know would ever dream of that. They’re everywhere now these people. And don’t forget, this is Epsom… are you there?”
“Good morning madam. My name is Simon. How can I help you? I’m told you have concerns: Too many ethnics. Too many turbans. Is that correct?”
“Yes. We don’t do that sort of thing here and – ”
“Did the man have a beard?”
“A big bushy black one. And a woman too. I think she’s his hostage.”
“I’m not programmed to laugh, but is that what people call a joke?”
“I’m sorry madam. So , he had a beard, a turban and a woman. ”
“Hostage does not match. But on the balance of probabilities he is most likely Sikh. ”
“I can tell you one thing – he wasn’t sick. ”
“No. Indefinite article madam. He was a Sikh, from India. ”
“Well he should go back there -that’s what I think – ”
” – Sikhs wear turbans. Grow a beard and wear a bangle – ”
“- I don’t care. I just don’t want all these people here. ”
“My data says the Prime Minister of India is a Sikh. Sikhs wear turbans to promote equality and to preserve Sikh identity. ”
“What about our identity? ”
“Sikhs do not cut their hair as a religious observance. Different types of turban are worn by Muslims. Jews wore them in biblical times.
“Press 2 if you wish to continue. Please remember that this is artificial intelligence – which on reflection seems much superior to yours…”